Boundaries, Burnout & Business: Resilience Real Talk with Dr. Tuby Akinlosotu
So everything you hit at once, and that was the year that was like, it's either you quit or you figure something out. And funny enough, I was right there writing my dissertation on titled Building Resilience to Stress and Burnout.
Azurae:Welcome to The Message Connection, a podcast dedicated to exploring all the angles that it takes to get your message to the masses. I'm your host, Azurae Phelps, and with over twenty years of experience in the world of production, I've seen behind the scenes of everything from recording studios to the Super Bowl halftime show and everything in between. Week after week, we will dig in to the medium of podcasting as well as host conversations with entrepreneurs, business owners, coaches, artists, creatives, educators, and more to see how they got to the heart of their message and what it took to get them to the place where they were ready to share it. Let's get into it. Welcome back to The Message Connection.
Azurae:So excited to have you with us this week. I am thrilled to introduce you to Doctor. Tuby Akinlosotu, a dear friend of mine who I have gotten to spend the last year working alongside of to grow our businesses. Doctor. Tuby is a business growth coach and strategist, as well as a resilience expert.
Azurae:She specializes in helping women uncover and unleash their God given purpose to perform at their highest level so they can achieve financial freedom while living their most enjoyable life without sacrificing their mental well-being, family, or relationships. Doctor. Tobe, welcome to the Message Connection.
Dr. Tuby:Thank you so much, Azurae. I'm so glad to be here with you today.
Azurae:Yeah. This is awesome. Okay. So that bio explains a lot of things on a lot of the hearts and minds of a lot of entrepreneurs. We we can go so many directions here, but what I wanna start with is why did you even bump up against resilience in business?
Azurae:Where where did you find yourself that you needed that word to come into your life and business?
Dr. Tuby:Wow. Yeah. What a good question. Well, you go I started my entrepreneurial journey at the age of 17. And, you know, obviously, being in school and single mom and having a business, you definitely need some resilience to do that, but that wasn't really what it was about then.
Dr. Tuby:It was just about, you know, having that extra income, just doing what I have to do. But many times along the journey, I definitely wanted to give up, although I didn't. You know, I I was always juggling careers with entrepreneurship. And when I decided to finally take the leap to be a % entrepreneur, I like to say entrepreneur. I know people say entrepreneur, but I say entrepreneur.
Dr. Tuby:When I took that leap, I definitely knew that it wasn't for the for the fainted heart. Prior to that, let me back up. I was a teacher for twelve years, and I loved teaching. I knew I was taking a pay cut coming from a sales career and making 6 figures as a sales national sales supervisor long time ago. 6 figures was, like, huge then.
Dr. Tuby:And, you know, I wasn't feeling fulfilled. I said, you know, I wanna go teach. So I went back to get my master's secondary education, and I start teaching. And year after year, I loved it, but then this burnout started coming up. So much more so much that I actually wrote my dissertation on burnout.
Dr. Tuby:And I that came up while I was a teacher. So as I was doing that, I said, you know what? I don't wanna be a teacher anymore. I'm just gonna start a And then I started my another business, another type of business. And for every time I did something, burnout still came up.
Dr. Tuby:And I realized that you can't get away from burnout, but you can build resilience to it. Yeah. And so that was where I really realized that that was that was the focus for me. And so I like I said, I really studied how to be proactive against burnout, and that's where the resilience comes in. Resilience is opposite because if you if you if you're proactive against it every day, then you're building that resilience for when it does come.
Dr. Tuby:Because it's always around the corner somehow. But if you have that resilience, you can always activate it so that you can you can move on and you don't have to let it get you down. So pretty much that's that's where my journey started was just always have always feeling that that pull. And part of that pull, Azrae, was because I actually didn't realize I was an introvert many many many years ago. I thought was an extrovert this whole time.
Dr. Tuby:Mhmm. Because I was that kid that always got into the stew and allow, you know, cry. So my parents kind of made me feel like I was an I was I'm outgoing. Outgoing nature isn't confident, but I didn't realize that I would my energy was getting sucked up when I was doing all these things. And so I kept putting myself in extroverted careers and extroverted situations, and then I would be feeling burnout.
Dr. Tuby:So it wasn't until much recently that I realized that, oh, when you're when you're operating in such an extroverted way, you really have to put in those things to protect your energy, and and that's been that's been part of my journey. So I think that's why I'm so passionate about resilience is because so many people are forced to operate in a way because as an entrepreneur, you really have to be somewhat extroverted. Yeah.
Azurae:You do.
Dr. Tuby:Even if you're not, you just you have to go to meetings. You gotta network. You gotta do live. You gotta social post. So it doesn't it doesn't ask you if you're introverted or extroverted.
Dr. Tuby:You just have to do these things. And so if you're not really understanding that about yourself, you can easily find yourself into overwhelm.
Azurae:Yeah. Let's back up a second because I think you're gonna free some people here today already. I'm just reflecting on the fact that you said you actually tried a lot of different versions of entrepreneurship. And in the process, you were you looking to solve this problem without having the language for it yet?
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. Really, I was. I was like, okay. I'm gonna be a caterer. Love working with my hands Yeah.
Dr. Tuby:Doing that. And that was fun for a while. Then I was like, woo. Alright. And then we opened a event company, which was like an extension of catering, and that was fun.
Dr. Tuby:We still have it, but once again, dealing with people and everything. Yeah. And then I got into the online space, and that was fun again, but then there was still, like there was just always moving parts no matter where I went.
Azurae:Oh, yeah.
Dr. Tuby:And I realized that that wow. This follows you. You know, no matter what business you do, there's just there's just a there's just a pile load of things to do. Yeah. And so, yeah, that's what happened.
Dr. Tuby:Was like, okay. This burnout is this burnout is inevitable, and it's it doesn't matter what career you go into. It doesn't matter what job, what business you open. It's still waiting to rear its rugged ugly head somewhere.
Azurae:Right. Right. Well, and you also hit on something which is really important, and I think we're all anyone who's in this on this journey is it's actually a journey of self discovery even more than it is, like, here's my business opportunity for you. Because you you also said you thought you were an extrovert, but actually you're an introvert. So navigating scenario after scenario, you're putting yourself in and then realizing, wait a second, my energy is still drained.
Azurae:So some of this is also it's like know thyself plus living in the reality of of what these things create. So maybe share with us a little bit about how you uncovered more of that. Like, knowing who you are and and getting to the place where you're like, you're like, yeah, this is how I'm made. That's great. And so now I gotta build around who I am and what I have to offer the world.
Azurae:Because I think people get stuck there. You're hitting on something that, you know, oh, I I gotta like you said, being in all these meetings, I gotta show up with this big out there energy. Mhmm. So before you even talk about all these incredible businesses you've built, how did you build yourself in in owning who you are and how you were wired?
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. Go on. Awesome question. Yeah. So back in 2020 was actually, I would say, my year of self discovery because Yeah.
Dr. Tuby:That was when COVID hit when, you know, we lost the revenue and went back to I think happened.
Azurae:Yeah. You lost that revenue. Okay.
Dr. Tuby:We lost the revenue in March of twenty twenty. They said no more meetings. Right. Went back to school. My best friend came to live with me, and we moved warehouses.
Dr. Tuby:My son was, like, nine years old at the time. Automatically started we start homeschooling because he wasn't going back to school. So everything hit at once. Yeah. And that was the year that was like, it's either you quit or you figure something out.
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. And funny enough, I was right there writing my dissertation on titled Building Resilience to Stress and Burnout using proactive coping strategies. And I remember one time at the kitchen table just, like, breaking down and just always getting triggered and always being overwhelmed. And then all of a sudden, he's like, why don't you use the strategies on yourself? And so I was like, do these strategies work?
Dr. Tuby:I mean, I'm I'm actually doing the research, I believe in. So I started to do them. I started to actually start implementing them, journaling, having a morning routine, setting my boundaries. I started implementing everything that I was saying works, and I saw a huge shift in me personally. And that was the year that I really, I would say, exploded.
Dr. Tuby:I I don't know if I could use that word, if that's the word to read, but that's how I felt. I felt like that was the year I was able to say no. I wasn't I wouldn't I've never considered myself a people pleaser, but we all have this tendency of, like, trying to please people, whether it's your parents, your family, this, go to some party you don't wanna go to, go to this event. And then that year, I was like, I remember September. I remember this very clearly.
Dr. Tuby:There was a big event I'm supposed to go to, and everybody wanted me to be there. And I said to myself, if I go to this event, I will not be able to finish this particular chapter I'm on. And I just said, you know what? I'm not going. And I sent a message and I said, I'm not going.
Dr. Tuby:And it was so freeing. And that became that became my journey of putting myself first, not in a selfish way Yeah. But in a self preserving way. And being able to say no when I didn't feel like doing something. Right?
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. What That was huge for me. And that I I think that was that was my self discovery. That was like, wow. And then I later on, like I said, that's when I started realizing, I'm still feeling overwhelmed.
Dr. Tuby:What's going on? Oh, I'm not an extrovert. Oh my god. I don't know about you guys. It doesn't matter how many degrees I had.
Dr. Tuby:I still thought extroverted meant you're just outgoing. I didn't know it was meant where you get your energy from.
Azurae:An important clarification. This is a this is a big deal. I think when people hear that, it's an unlock that and and I don't know how that got lost in the in the in the conversation, but it's such an important distinction. Where do you get your energy from? Could you talk about that just a little bit?
Azurae:Define that for us.
Dr. Tuby:So like I said, as I started to look into this, I was like, oh my gosh. Introverted means you draw energy, like, internally, like, from yourself. Like Mhmm. You you you you you come you wanna be by yourself. You read a book.
Dr. Tuby:You journal. You listen to good music, you know, by yourself. And I realized that anytime I was at home by myself, you know, I was always like, bye, guys. See you. I just wanted everybody gone.
Dr. Tuby:And I didn't know that that was but I was like, I felt alive. I didn't know why. And then I'm like, oh my gosh. That is it. An introvert needs the time to recharge.
Dr. Tuby:Mhmm. Need that's where they get their energy. So if you let's say you go to, like okay. Let me give you an example. I just came back from FHL a couple weeks ago.
Dr. Tuby:It was amazing. 5,000 entrepreneurs there. It's back to back. They were like, oh, let's go to dinner and stuff. I knew that I couldn't go to dinner every night and still wake up and go to FHL.
Dr. Tuby:So I was like, hey, I'll see you guys later. I'm going back to the to the hotel, and I recharged every night so I can get back up.
Azurae:That is real, you guys. I mean, that is real. We've had a doctor too be siding. It was like, okay, she's out here in the streets. She's charged.
Azurae:Her batteries are charged. You just and and you know what? Isn't it so cool when your friends, colleagues, family, when they know that about you, and they're like, yeah, you do you. It's not we'll miss you. Get it.
Azurae:Want you to be your best. And that the way you do that is by knowing yourself and owning that.
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Azurae:It's amazing.
Dr. Tuby:For so many years, you were like, oh, you don't wanna say no. You just kinda go with the flow. But then you're like, the next day you're like, oh, what? And you're you're just like 10,000 cups of coffee and dragging your feet and just like, but why can't you just not do that thing that didn't night before or just Right. You know, really honor yourself.
Dr. Tuby:Right? And so now it's just just like it's a boundary. It's a boundary and then you communicate it. And you're like, oh, even if you have to say, oh, nope, guys. Pass my bedtime.
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. Like a joke or whatever.
Azurae:But Yeah.
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. You just have to know when you need to pull pull back Mhmm. To recharge. And then you become the best version of yourself because we just can't keep operating in such extroverted ways all the time. And I think everybody needs to recharge.
Dr. Tuby:I don't even care if you say, I'm an introvert or I'm an extrovert. You still need that daily time to recharge. And if you honor that, you will see so much difference in your well-being.
Azurae:Yeah. I was gonna say, do you have a word for our extroverts and how they might navigate their own, you know, bumping up against this? Because even like you said, everybody needs to take a break. Sometimes even extroverts. What what's what do you see in your work for extroverts?
Dr. Tuby:Like I said, extroverted is about getting your energy from people. Right? So you you doesn't mean that you should stop seeing people, get your energy, but you still have to have that time Mhmm. To know yourself, to Yeah. Spend time with yourself, to reflect, to have personal development.
Dr. Tuby:So if you're always around people, I don't think you have that time for that self reflection.
Azurae:Yeah.
Dr. Tuby:Right? Yeah. That's good. So the the my word for extrovert is know yourself. Don't be afraid to be with yourself only.
Dr. Tuby:Spend some time with yourself weekly, daily, and and go through that personal growth so that you can show up better even when you're around other people.
Azurae:Yeah. So you mentioned journaling. You mentioned having better boundaries, saying no. What are some of the tools that you and and thankfully, by the way, this stuff is is in the it's in the water right now. I think people are talking about it.
Azurae:But specific to entrepreneurs and women in particular, what are some things that you have seen as maybe moving the needle the most? Here, I'm I'm talking like I'm like, how do we make get the most success out of having boundaries? But truly, what do you see as the things or rhythms that practices that really help folks in this in this in this area?
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. That's a really good question. So first of all, prioritization Mhmm. For me. I definitely see is, like, setting your priorities of what is important now, what is important later, what has to be done now, what has to be done later.
Dr. Tuby:I think as women, we carry we we have so many hats. We're the mom, we're the wife, we're the cheerleader, we're the cook, we're the business person, we're all this. And we get pulled in so many different directions. And, you know, people are calling us. I don't know about you, but I got adult children.
Dr. Tuby:I got people like, hey, this. Hey, do this. Hey, do that. And you really gotta set your priorities. So if you can set your priorities, if you can block out the morning this is a power move.
Azurae:Yeah. Let's go. Power move.
Dr. Tuby:Block out the morning like well, it's not everybody that's a morning person, but find a time before twelve that your your your power hour that you can get things done without any disturbance and schedule all your meetings after that. You know? Because what happens is we get pulled so much and we we're we're in this meeting and that meeting, we're scheduling all kind of stuff, and then we don't get to the things we need to do. And so I think that that's a skill that's very important as an entrepreneur because when you're at the job, you clock in, you clock out, you have lunch break, you have this your boss giving you a meeting. But when you're the boss of yourself, you're creating your own schedule.
Dr. Tuby:And many people are going with the employee mindset Yeah. Into the business world, and they're not understanding that they have to set those the schedule for themselves. They have to put themselves on the schedule. And if they don't put them their self on the schedule, they'll find out that all of their time is blocked out.
Azurae:Yeah. I I know that you also set aside at least a day, if not two, where you try to be pretty dialed out of all things business. Is that right?
Dr. Tuby:Correct. On Sundays, I try my best to not not be available. I I do communicate that. People try to set, you know, meetings with me. Oops.
Dr. Tuby:Sorry. I don't work on Sundays. Mhmm. You know, I have this day open or this day open. Which day works best for you?
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. Yeah. So Sundays, I also do not take meetings past dinner time. Like, I'm off at a certain time. So, you know, if you wanna have a meeting with me at six or 07:00, I'm sorry.
Dr. Tuby:That's not gonna work for me. I also separate my my business phone with my personal phone. That way clients well, this is more for my event business. They try to text you at all times. Sure.
Dr. Tuby:And I'm like, oops. Sorry. You got the wrong number. Yes. Is this is this is this finer details?
Dr. Tuby:Well, yeah. This is the owner, but you're calling the you know, nicely, you're calling the wrong number. Let me give you the right number to call. And so I try to, you know, just set those boundaries, those personal and professional boundaries as much as I can so that I can have my life. It's very important.
Azurae:You know, really love this because I think that it gives actually other entrepreneurs and other business owners freedom to do the same, even in those small kinds of interactions. When you say, oh, I can't no. I can't actually. Like, oh, woah. Okay.
Azurae:Because so much of this hustle and grind energy is about, you know, being available. Yes. Say yes. You know, say yes to everything.
Dr. Tuby:Mhmm.
Azurae:Because that could be the one conversation. That could be the one meeting that, like, changes everything for you. That is a really graspy energy that, honestly, at the end of the day, I mean, maybe, but what is for you is for you. I've heard you talk about the eighty twenty rule. And this is something I know people are familiar with these percentages, but what does that mean in the doctor to be universe?
Azurae:Could you talk about that a little bit?
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. So basically, 80% of what we do in a day doesn't really matter. But we actually focus on it so much that we actually don't get to the 20% that that does matter. And that, like I said, that goes back to the needle moving activities. Yeah.
Dr. Tuby:The things that actually you know, we do a lot of stuff, and before you know it, you're like, it's 05:00. It's 06:00. And you can't really articulate what you've done for the day. Yeah. And then another day goes by, and another day goes by.
Dr. Tuby:So, basically, the eighty twenty rule is, for me, in my world, is you need to narrow down, streamline the most important tasks and the most important things that you have to do to move forward. A lot of times people get stuck in things like I'll give you a practical example. When I was launching my first ever master class, they there was this thing about streaming into the Facebook group and all this stuff. And it took I was reading up on it, and I I was just all this stuff I had to learn, and I said, you know what? It doesn't matter.
Dr. Tuby:What matters is for me to fill my room and for me to have good content and book and and get them to want to work with like, know, wanna work with me. It does not matter that I understand this tech of streaming to Facebook, and I'm I was spending a lot of energy to understand that. And so now I have this quick decipherness or whatever you wanna call it of does it go in the $80, the 80 bucket, or the 20 bucket? Yeah. If it's going to suck look at it this way.
Dr. Tuby:If it's gonna suck 80% of my energy Yeah. Then it's not important. Yeah. So if it's not if it's not going to actually make a difference to the bottom line right? Because what could happen?
Dr. Tuby:I could record the master class Mhmm. And then I can put it in an email or put it in the group later.
Azurae:Sure.
Dr. Tuby:Does it actually matter right now for me to figure out how to stream and waste a whole week of energy? So anyway, that was just a practical example because I know you were in the same world.
Azurae:But Yeah.
Dr. Tuby:Those are the kind of things where you have to think about what what are the things you're doing that's draining your energy Mhmm. And not moving the needle forward. So Yeah. It's almost like write it down, it would be perfect.
Azurae:It's almost like we need somebody from outside of us with, like, a buzzer that's like, hey, that's too much time on that. Like, you need to back away. Walk away. You know? Because sometimes you're trying to learn.
Azurae:It starts well intentioned. Right? You're trying to learn how to do the thing. Somebody says this is a good idea. It's it's good intentions.
Azurae:But I love that you're like, oh, yeah. Okay. Woah. Wait. I gotta take my own pulse.
Azurae:Does this actually help? And what are the ways what are the other solves that are available to me if I just set this one down for a minute? There's actually lots of ways. And, I mean, as you listed so I love that practical example. And, man, I mean, everybody out here knows that tech can just be a wild adventure to engage with.
Azurae:And there's so much to learn. It's unending. But at the end of the day, it's the human connection that we're seeking, getting to the people that you want to help that's the most important thing. Yes. Okay.
Azurae:Eighty twenty. I love I love that. And that goes back to what we're talking about earlier about just that prioritization, those needle moving things, all that stuff. So when how do you, with those boundaries, make sure that you're still showing up really well in in the business side of things? Because I love that you speak about the life balance and and those those boundaries.
Azurae:But how do you make sure that those business hours are really moving the needle? How do you figure that out in your business life?
Dr. Tuby:Oh, wow. Yeah. That's a really relevant question right now because I've had to put some more boundaries in place recently, but, you know what, which meetings I'm gonna be attending, which ones I'm not gonna be attending, what I'm gonna be involved in, can I catch the replay to this if I have to? Right. So like I said, if it's not for me, if it's not a revenue generating task, it's not a priority.
Azurae:Good.
Dr. Tuby:So we I have to organize my my task into revenue generating, nonrevenue generating. And the non generating nonrevenue generating task can happen in non peak times, or I I could schedule some some off the cuff times for those. Mhmm. And having a schedule is very important, you know, because people can bounce at you at different times. And before you know it, if your schedule is full, you'll find out the whole week goes by and you didn't do anything for your business.
Dr. Tuby:Right. You didn't do anything that actually makes money.
Azurae:Right.
Dr. Tuby:Do you understand what I'm saying? And so Yeah. I've been I was actually talking to someone about this the other day, and I was were like, how come you're not part of this? And part of that, it's like, does it make money? If it doesn't make money, if it don't make sense.
Dr. Tuby:Right? And so it's like, and I think a lot of business owners are are are that's a problem. I think it's like, oh, I gotta network. I gotta do this, there should be a percentage of that and a percentage of things you're doing each day that are actually moving the needle, whether it's like following up on leads, whether it's a, you know, a post that has a call to action, whether it's a, you know, just, you know, a a, you know, a page in the book or an inner an interview that's gonna, you know, elevate your brand. Something.
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. You need to be doing something each day to move the needle. And if you look at your whole week and you realize that most of it is not moving the needle, then you need to change that.
Azurae:Part of what I love about what you're saying too is can we get a win a day? I mean, because these days, some days, they're not very successful feeling when you're in a building season, when you're in a new when you're in a pivot, you know? So how could you set yourself up to have a win each day even if and, you know, again, we can only control ourselves. But I like this idea I'm challenged right now in this current moment. Like, okay, what would I do that would make me be like, yeah, I did that and I'm proud of myself.
Azurae:Because this can feel like it's a marathon, not a sprint, we often say. And, man, it feels like a long one sometimes. The days feel a little bit like, what's the swirl? And so, you know, hitting back on prioritizing, you said earlier, and making sure with that power hour and are my batteries charged? Am I clear on my day?
Azurae:And then like, what would be the one win? Even if it is just following up on one lead. Or I love that you said like a one post with a call to action. Just like and like bless it out, you know, putting it out there. And knowing that you put your head on the pillow and like, well, I did, you know, kind of open handedly.
Azurae:Like, I I did I know I got that done. And every other thing I I did is is kind of bonus. Of course, we want to have more than that. But I I like that idea as a way to just keep, like, steady plotting, frankly.
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love the way you asked about how do we get those wins, you know? And to me, I feel like we have to create wins.
Dr. Tuby:We have to celebrate all the wins, the small wins. And I think we have to get in this culture of of setting ourself up for success because many people set themselves up for failure. And what I mean by that is you need to understand your capacity. I talk about your ability versus capacity. And when you when you plan beyond your capacity, you are setting yourself up for failure.
Dr. Tuby:But when you plan within your capacity, you know, I have a planner here, which is one of my plan actually my planner, but, like, I've done all of this today. Right? And I did all of this before 10AM, but I knew I could do that today because I knew I had interviews today, and I knew that, you know what? I gotta get some I gotta wake up earlier and get some stuff done. But anything that was not within my capacity did not go on this list.
Dr. Tuby:Set yourself up for success by understanding your emotional, mental, physical capacity. What you can handle during what times. There's like a stack of mail right here that I'm gonna open after about 05:00. Mhmm. Why?
Dr. Tuby:Because if I open some of them right now, they may throw me off. And so the the mental capacity I have right now is to focus on what I have to do today, which is like a lot. So I'm not gonna allow those things to come in. So, basically, the wins are I'm a I'm a I'm allowed to have wins because I haven't I've set myself up for success so that way I can celebrate every small win. I can celebrate every check mark on this calendar, on the scheduler.
Dr. Tuby:I can celebrate myself not picking up a call when I don't have to. I can celebrate myself taking a shower and putting makeup on today. You know? These are all wins. You know?
Dr. Tuby:So there's wins in everything we do. We just gotta set ourselves up for I
Azurae:have a friend who used to add things to her list after the fact that she did so she could also check those off in her day. And I was like, okay, that's a hack. But I listen. I appreciate this reminder that the just looking for more wins. I I just think when we're looking at others and where they are and then comparing ourselves in our season or our capacity, we can sometimes get bogged down by the wins we're quote unquote not having.
Azurae:So what I wanna talk to you about and what I want you to define a little bit more is how do we live in the reality of our capacity? How do we know what our capacity is in any given season? Because seasons change, and they can change quickly. I have a friend when I was growing up. I he used to say, like, you're such a pessimist.
Azurae:And I was like, no. I'm just a realist. And it would drive him kinda crazy. And and I've actually tried to be living into a more believe for it, optimistic season. But I find that I kinda do drag down into, well, reality is this.
Azurae:So what's the dance there with, like, these words, reality, capacity, knowing ourselves, but, like, also pushing ourselves lovingly?
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. That's a good question. Again, you know, like I said, one of the things I mentioned was understanding your ability versus capacity.
Azurae:Okay.
Dr. Tuby:And the phases that you're talking about. You know, I like to talk about in business, there's building, there's there's a build phase, there's a cruise phase. And, you know, when you have like, I have a 13 year old and I have two adult children. I was explaining to my husband that, you know, this new business, the the online space is a little bit newer for me than the brick and mortar rent business. I spent a lot more time on the coaching business because it's more building.
Dr. Tuby:It's more in the building phase. So, of course, you're gonna do more things, but the other one is more cruising now. Right?
Azurae:Yeah.
Dr. Tuby:So like you said, when you go through the different phases of life and you realize that this is a phase where I'm building Mhmm. Then you have to allow yourself more grace because your capacity is going to be your capacity is gonna be stretched more. Mhmm. And so what you're gonna have to do is reevaluate your availability and other things in that season. Okay.
Dr. Tuby:So there's some times where you're like, you know what, guys? I'm in a season of growth right now. You're probably not gonna see me around a lot. I'm not gonna be going to a lot of parties. I'm not gonna be at this and that.
Dr. Tuby:You have to allow yourself for some things to drop so that your capacity could be stretched in that season. Now when you're in the cruise stage Yeah. You could do more things. So you have to kind of understand your own personal journey, what phase you're in Yeah. And you need to adjust your capacity accordingly.
Azurae:Okay. Let's get personal. So how do you do that in the context of marriage and family life when you're there's somebody else has needs and they want some of your capacity too? How do you do that dance?
Dr. Tuby:Wish I could call my husband over because he he I know. He understands boundaries because I have to teach him. Okay. I had to teach him some boundaries. And in love, we have boundaries in marriage too.
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. We have two different personalities. We're completely different. We love each other. We're completely different.
Dr. Tuby:He's a morning news person. I'm not. He's a listen to a lot of stuff. I like to be solemn. So I we had to put those boundaries in place and communicate and say, oh, so I have, like, two hours in the morning where I get things done and he doesn't bother me.
Dr. Tuby:I have my evening, what I call decompressed time. Mhmm. And these are just things you communicate. You just kind of know that, hey, mom is available between these hours. My adult children know as well.
Dr. Tuby:I think everything's just about boundaries and communication. Yeah. I think when you get to a point, you you know, I have had some breakdown moments before. Sure. Several.
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. And that was a point where it's like, you know what? Let's have a family meeting and let's discuss this. Mom cannot be it for everybody. You guys are gonna have to figure yourself out.
Dr. Tuby:I especially when I was in school, I was like, you know what? I'm gonna make the meals. It's in the fridge. On these days, you guys figure yourself out. From these hours to these hours, please no one should bother me.
Dr. Tuby:I had to really start setting some really I don't wanna say strict, but just strict boundaries. And now they've flown into the rest of my I'm not in school anymore, and now we still have boundaries because Yeah. See, if we're not whole, we really can't take care of anybody else. We're actually taking care of people out of the leftovers.
Azurae:Yeah. Good. That's so good, doctor Toohey. That is
Dr. Tuby:good. Yeah.
Azurae:That's right.
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. We have to, you know, take care of ourselves. We just have to be like I go on self care retreats by myself. You know, I do my nails. I mean, that's not I mean, that's just taking care of yourself.
Dr. Tuby:Go get a brunch by myself. You gotta yeah. You gotta put these things in your schedule Yeah. To make yourself feel good. And don't be afraid to tell your family like, hey, guys.
Dr. Tuby:Mommy has to have her time so that she could be fully available. Or wifey needs to have her time so that she could perform.
Azurae:Okay. And to show up well for you and all of you, frankly, and and from the a healthy overflow. This is I don't know about you. This is pretty different than how I was raised. And and I also just want to say for anyone listening who has younger children, obviously, we're talking about seasons of life because your kids are a bit older and you're in a season now where you can build two businesses.
Azurae:Though you, my friend, are unique in that you've been you've been doing all kinds of things from the jump in your parenting career, always kinda doing a parallel life of growth and education and working. And so, I mean, in some ways, that's maybe also always been a part of the culture of your parenting, which is really interesting.
Dr. Tuby:Mhmm.
Azurae:I do think a lot of when you have younger kids and you're feeling like you just don't have a lot of time, you know, then it's then maybe it is about, you know, you're building as much as you can or you're you're focusing back on getting that one win a day as like moving the needle slowly or but it but quickly seasons change. And something a counselor of ours has told us often is, like, your kids are individuating from you a lot younger than you think they are. And it's healthy for them to see you pursuing your dreams and working towards something because it gives them the freedom to do that. Mhmm. That broke something open for me.
Azurae:Because I I was raised with a mom who made and I'm I'm so grateful for her and so grateful for the time that she gave us. But the season of life, the culture at the time was very much that she was home and facilitating all of our activities and all of our stuff. And we still do a lot of facilitating out here. Mean, don't get me wrong. But, you know, I need my teenager to do her laundry.
Azurae:I need her to be I need her to know that stuff also so that I send her into the world with her with a good knowledge base. Right? Like she's getting reps in at home because I can't the only one doing this kind of So as your children are growing up, you're empowering them to do more things and then you're able to be freed up to do other things. And and now we're all operating in these lanes together. And I also love that you said, hey, fam, circle up.
Azurae:Like, we need a we need to have a chat. And this is so healthy because if we're not doing that, then also they're not brought in on even like what you're building. Yeah. Yeah. Talk tell me more tell me more about that and how your kids have navigated you being like this incredible working mom all these years as much as you wanna share.
Azurae:Yeah.
Dr. Tuby:Well, I feel bad for my adult kids sometimes, but because they were, like they went with the ride with me. They were when I was a single mom, waking up at three in the morning, five in the morning, cooking with me, doing everything. So they kind of know this the hustle culture that I was I grew I was in. But as we got older and I got married and everything like that, as seasons change, like you said, they you know, my youngest one doesn't have the same experience because he he doesn't he didn't have the whole hustling like my my older ones did. But they were able to see the differences in me.
Dr. Tuby:And like I said, that communication of, hey, guys. Like, my son, you know, tries to call me sometimes and having that conversation with him, you know, like, hey. I work just because I work from home, but I'm working. So during these times, I it really just can't be on random conversations, things like that. So I think that we they've they've handled it pretty well.
Dr. Tuby:We've had serious sit down conversations. Not serious as in like, but Yeah. Sitting down to explain. I think if you take the time to explain to them, they they they they understand. Like, you know, even the my 13 year old, like I said, when he comes back, it's like, hey, how was school?
Dr. Tuby:How was everything? How was the homework? And he understands that I check-in with him, but I need if I'm on a meeting or something, he kind of understands I need that space or if I have a busy day. So I just make sure that I communicate always. I think that's it.
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. And making sure you don't shut them out. Like, I'll say, hey. By the way, guys, today's a very busy day. Like, today, I was like, hey, guys.
Dr. Tuby:Today's a busy day. Got a couple interviews. I got this and that. Like, my husband's home today. Had to tell him, like, the whole rundown so he's not, like, in to look for me and stuff.
Dr. Tuby:And I'm like, hey. I got a break between this time and this time. So I think, can we just really communication? Yeah. And everybody knowing that we're on the same team?
Dr. Tuby:Like, we're all, like, work I'm doing this for a purpose. And you're doing this for a purpose, and we're all, like so we all need help here. Right?
Azurae:Yeah.
Dr. Tuby:There's no, like, gender roles here. You know, my husband washes dishes. I wash dishes. Unfortunately, the 13 year old hasn't started washing dishes, but he will soon. We kind of babied him a little bit too long.
Dr. Tuby:You know, the and I feel bad for my older kids because they were washing dishes at, like, eight and nine. So I didn't have a choice because I was a single mom, y'all about to wash these dishes. But so now, you know, so now it's just like, hey. If there's dishes in the sink and someone's not doing something, somebody needs to wash it. You know?
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. And so I I think it's just that understanding of each other, communication, and just really setting healthy expectations as well. Not just healthy boundaries
Azurae:Okay.
Dr. Tuby:But healthy expectations.
Azurae:What's the difference? What does that look like? Expectations?
Dr. Tuby:Healthy expectations is like okay. When you understand people Mhmm. And you understand their capacity as well, you set a healthy expectation to what they can do as well. Like, for instance, my husband takes out the trash. Right?
Dr. Tuby:I don't normally take out the trash, but sometimes he might have a three day back to back event where he hasn't even slept. So I my healthy expectation is that, hey, guys. Let's let's not fill this trash up to the brim and so we could take it out. So I mean, because I can't lift it when it's full. Yeah.
Dr. Tuby:But we could take it out so that daddy doesn't have to come home and take it out after three days with no sleep. So right there is not a boundary. It's a healthy expectation that the other person's capacity is not full in this week for you to add something else. So I will expect him to take out the trash when he hasn't been home for three days and hasn't slept for three days.
Azurae:Yeah. I love that. I also love that you are such a business strategist that you're even thinking about how to not fill the trash too much so that we can make sure we can take it out. Yeah. Because we're responsible for it in order to bless our the husband who can't do it.
Azurae:Like, the strategy there is giving life.
Dr. Tuby:It's like it's a whole strategy. Like, we might take out a whole another trash bag and put it next to the one on the floor.
Azurae:Hey, whatever it takes. Okay? We're we're making it happen. But I love that. And and there is a lot this is important stuff.
Azurae:I mean, I think we all think we're all doing it. But the truth is, this is where bitterness comes in. This is where hurt, just unarticulated expectations, and and in that lack of communication can lead to stuff that just absolutely could have been lovingly tended to, but not if we're not owning what we need and what we have going on. Nobody can read our mind out here. Yeah.
Azurae:We've got we've got to show up well in that way. And I I just I love that example with the trash. Like, that's brilliant. Yeah. I'm I'm gonna be using that.
Azurae:When you are helping women in their business building and basically parsing out what those things are as you work with them one on one or in the groups that you work with, what do you find are a couple of the things that trip a lot of them up? I mean, we know nothing is everyone's unique, but what are some of the themes that you find come up pretty regularly?
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. So I like to call this thing called time wasters and time enhancers. And so some of the time wasters are for that I find out coming up are, like, over like, comparison. Spending so much time comparing your life to others, whether it's on social media, whether it's your friend, whether it's another entrepreneur, you like, you might find yourself, like, just spending so much time on that. Perfectionism, and this is from a recovering recovered perfectionist.
Dr. Tuby:Mhmm. Sometimes I I sneak back in that category, correct myself real fast. Those are time wasters because you spend so much time making sure you have the perfect email, the perfect landing page, the perfect e everything that you never launch. Right? You never launch.
Dr. Tuby:So we got we got perfectionism, over comparison, people pleasing, not knowing when to say no, constantly saying yes to everybody else but yourself. Okay? And what else? I mean, there's yeah. People pleasing, you know, procrastination.
Dr. Tuby:That's one. And procrastination is is a result. I don't know if a lot of people know that. Procrastinate people why do people procrastinate? Like, you don't wake up and say, I'm gonna procrastinate today.
Azurae:Yeah. We think we have lots of other stuff to do.
Dr. Tuby:You procrastinate because you over planned, you overcommitted, you didn't set boundaries or whatever, and now you're like, shoot. And now you procrastinated because see, do you know what I mean? Procrastination
Azurae:is like,
Dr. Tuby:is you didn't plan this whole thing. Now you gotta do this at the last minute. Now you're like, oh my god. Forgot to pick this up. I forgot to do that.
Dr. Tuby:I didn't do this. It's procrastination is a result of not planning properly and overcommitting yourself and people pleasing too much and all that other stuff, now you're forced to procrastinate.
Azurae:Wow. And and maybe not even owning your capacity?
Dr. Tuby:Yes. Absolutely. Yeah. It's a result. So anytime you find yourself procrastinating, you need to look at the other areas in your life Yeah.
Dr. Tuby:That's causing you to procrastinate.
Azurae:Okay. Somebody's taking notes, I hope. Alright. So you said those were the time wasters?
Dr. Tuby:Yes.
Azurae:And then time enhancers?
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. ChatGPT is a time enhancer. Getting some getting team help, time enhancer. Planning ahead of time, time enhancer. Cutting out things in your schedule that doesn't matter, time enhancer.
Dr. Tuby:Prioritizing your schedule, time enhancer. Saying no to things that don't matter, Time enhancer. So if you basically Yeah. If you basically make opposite of all the time wasters, you'll get your time back.
Azurae:Yeah. It's good. That's so good. And what do you look forward to when you are working with an entrepreneur and you're like, okay, let's get in there. Let me see.
Azurae:What is your what do you enjoy doing working with business owners in in all of this? What do you find that's like the result that they're seeing when they start putting these things in right priority, getting their eighty twenty figured out? What are what are the what are the things you love seeing and what are the results that you're seeing from your clients when they're click getting this stuff clicked into the right place?
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. Right now, I'm just loving them being able to see that they can have a life again. Mhmm. One of my clients right now where, you know, she has a transportation business and we're starting to put systems in her business. She's, like, manually taking all the calls and doing all the emails.
Dr. Tuby:And she I was like, do you know you can automate that? Do you know that we can automate your lead your lead gen? Do you know we could I mean, she's just blown away. And I love when I'm able to set someone free from that. I love when I'm able to give them that time to prioritize themself again.
Dr. Tuby:And making self care a business strategy, you know, like, you know, that's that's a that's a mandatory module in my program. Like, we just we talk about how you know, when we first started our twelve week implementation, it was like, we're gonna create a burnout prevention plan, and it's like, plan out how are you going to take care of yourself daily. And it's like thinking about this, and we're putting it as a business strategy. So I love when I see my clients saying, hey. You know, share your win for this week.
Dr. Tuby:And they're like, oh, guess what? I I was able to do this for five hours without without my business, you know, declining. And where wherever we're able to get pockets of time back, and then they're able to see that they could put it back on themselves, and then they show up, like, happier, and they're not all, like, stressed out about what why they're doing, you know, doing what they're doing. And I love that. That's that's really just my my goal.
Dr. Tuby:My goal is this. Why do it's not like systems are sexy, like systems. Like Yeah. That's such a word. It's why do I like systems?
Dr. Tuby:Yeah. Why do I like this stuff? It's because it gives your time back and allows you to be able to spend the time with the people you love, take have the self care days, prioritize your mental well-being, go for your doctor's appointments, you know, things like that. Because as women, we we so much put ourself on the back burner Mhmm. And especially women in business.
Dr. Tuby:I'm like, oh, now you wanna add business to it? We're already taking care of the home. We're already taking care the husband. We're already doing all this other stuff. And then, you see, look at it.
Dr. Tuby:When a man has a business sorry, guys, if you're listening to this. When a man has a business, he he can focus on the business because the wife got takes takes over the home and she had not but when the woman has a business, in most cases Yeah. She still has to take care of the home.
Azurae:Yeah.
Dr. Tuby:So we have to find that time. Mhmm. So that's where I love. I love you can see I'm very passionate about it. I love being able to find time for women to prioritize themselves.
Azurae:Yeah. That's a dream. And for a lot of for a lot of entrepreneurs, that sounds like a dream. That sounds like a it's really far off. And what I hope you hear today is that it's some of it's just that you don't know what you don't know.
Azurae:And and a lot a large part of the way you learn and grow and expand is to be exposed to some of these concepts and and and just learn a new way of operating. So how can people connect with you? What do you have going on that we can invite listeners into? How can they engage with you more deeply on these topics? What's what's next in your world?
Dr. Tuby:Well, if you know that you're kinda struggling putting yourself first or, you know, finding time, you wanna scales, you know, scale smarter, I do have a survey that you can take. You can find it on my website, helpherthrivecoach.com.
Azurae:Great.
Dr. Tuby:I also have a link tree out there. You can always see what's going on with me. But, yeah, I usually have many things going on. So if you just wanna follow me on Instagram at doctor Tubi Eklansotu, I'm also on LinkedIn. My YouTube is also doctor Tubi Eklansotu.
Dr. Tuby:So follow me in all the places, and you'll keep in touch with what I have going on right now.
Azurae:Awesome. We'll be sure to put all those links in the show notes for this episode. Thank you so much for coming and talking to me and being on the show this week. I'm I I have my own list of notes. I get chills a couple of times listening to you talk about some of these concepts because I do think as women entrepreneurs, with all the hats that we wear, there is just having somebody say, even say out loud, like, hey, I see you.
Azurae:These things are figureoutable. But and and not only that, but you're important and they need to be figured out. That is so empowering to me. I'm so thankful for you and for your time. So thanks for
Dr. Tuby:having so much, Azeri. Yeah. I appreciate it.
Azurae:You bet. Alright. See you later. Thanks for Thanks so much for listening to The Message Connection with Azeri Phelps. If you found this episode valuable, I'd love to hear from you.
Azurae:Check out the show notes for details on how to stay in touch, and please leave a review on your favorite podcast platform. These reviews help us reach more people who will enjoy and benefit from the show. Don't forget to subscribe to the Message Connection wherever you get your podcasts so you never miss an episode.
